Dear Diary:
I have been up since 4am, woke up from this totally weird dream. Had to do with money and a man, I tell you those are always on mind. For some odd reason, I just cannot shake the thoughts of this one individual, as much as I want to, and probably need to. I cannot stop thinking about them.
I probably dreamed of money because I could always use some extra,lol, like the person on my mind. I could use a little bit more of them.
I fell asleep after watching an HBO porn documentary, I learned a lot by hearing the views of the industry from seasoned entertainers. I agreed with Heather Hunter when she said it was so much easier dealing with people in the industry, and she is right...its harder dealing with people in the "real world".
I am sure she has had the same struggles I deal with in my personal life. You can conjur up any kind of man...from his height to the size of his penis, but more than likely he is a fan or despise what you do and tries to change you.
People have no clue how difficult it is to try to have a somewhat normal sex life after doing any kind of porn, whether its at home amateur porn or mainstream, the results are pretty much the same.
Men think that I have so much sex, and that I am this sex kitten. LOL, I mean I do love sex and it can be slightly addictive;however, I am selective with whom I play with personally. To be honest, I usually do not have sex no more than twice per month. Sometimes, it can be less if I am holding out based on principle, I am so big on that its not funny.
What's crazy the men I have dealt with personally are more kinkier than myself...lol. A couple have totally got me twisted, suggested things from threesomes to introducing them into the industry also,making our debut into mainstream. IF, I was to have a 3 some with my man/boyfriend/partner/lover it would not be with a girlfriend of mine, it would be with a neutral party or hell, one of his buds. I would never share my man with a girlfriend of mine, sorry guy. Even though I have shared portions of my sex life, I do believe some things are sacred, and that is my primary meat or man.
Which is why I often try to protect him or I try to be as open as I can with what I "do"with my mate. Because its so many myths about women who entertain, I want my partner to be at ease with my chosen path. Often I work too hard at being trusted, when in reality its the other person who should be working on gaining my trust. My past and present is on display, so I am not the random person.
I know its enticing to see a confident women who is curvy and provocative do her thing. Men love it, and yes, we eat up the attention. BUT,its a blessing and a curse. I am a big girl, who can handle the men coming at me in every direction. I confess, I have indulged in a groupie or a few. I have always kept it real with whomever I am seeing, and yet still they cannot be real with me. Why is that??
Over the weekend I listened to my homegirls and their grief with men and horror stories,shit theirs are almost the same as mine, but they are not in the industry. So, tell me what is really going on??
What is with these men, expecting you to bend over backwards and put your pointer finger on your nose. That is too much. I understand the ratio is high, there are a lot of women out here to chose from and to play with. I get that, but most do not want the freaky chick as their primary woman. Nope, most want that woman who is not as sexually experienced or if she is, its from the things you and her have done. These men still wind up having that dip on the side. Because they are not pleased entirely, they need to be filled completely or just fucking greedy. That is why porn is not going anywhere, nor the strip clubs or the entire sex business as a whole. We are sexual beings, and in this society we cannot express ourselves freely without some kind of ridicule. (If a man had it his way,he would choose the woman he can take to worship and to the strip club.) Hate to say, but this is one of the reasons why people are unfaithful...just my opinion.
And its so cool be sexually expressive in my book, but practice safe sex...and keep it real with whom you are sharing your body with on a regular basis. From the beginning coming into the situation get tested, show your results,this is not pillow talk after the condom has broken or you got caught up in the pussy and took the condom off. Yes, its hard to believe that men still take off the rubber with HIV and antibiotic resistant STD's on a major rise.
We as adults must respect sex, from the women and men who chose to do this for a living to those who live an alternative lifestyle. Respect must be there, give it as much as you want it.
LMFAO,at the guy who I made a date night with and canceled because he asked me on the ride over was I going to suck his dick. I do not know why he asked prior to the act, but that was a big mistake. I said yes until he mentioned that he was not going to return the favor. I told him,lol,how are you going to ask me that and not expect to have that required of you. I explained that I am fully tested recently, and offered to show him the results...I was real,yet joking because when he said he was not eating my pussy, there was no way I was fucking him, so what with a condom and so what if i did not suck his dick...i am on principle at this point,ok. Yes ok, I am a Fellatrix sexpert, and I LOVE to give headservice, you HAVE to at least attempt to lick the pussy before I go down on you....so tired of the one-sidedness. Fellas, you can't expect the head if they are not willing to give it to her,that is very fair. I do not care if he only eats my pussy once a week, I will suck the rim off his penis if he at least does it period.
Anyway, getting off my soapbox....my present partner/lover has no clue how I truly feel about him, because he is caught up in the fascination stage, when the reality stage has kicked in, he may be able to see who I am and my real thoughts of him. Trust me, its not what he thinks,and honestly I do not think he really wants to know. Scary thing, he and I are so much alike its sickening. The side he wants to embrace, behind close doors, is the one I am living aloud and often try to escape it. The lover in me wants to share so much, and the friend in me wants to lay the shit on him, read him his rights..left to right. My persona wants to show his ass how its really supposed to be done, and make him lick my stiletto's to show his appreciation.
Well, I am off to start a hellafied week, its been enlightening to divulge, kinda like a bowel movement at 6 am.
Kisses to you,
~Dream~
