Dear Diary:
This month has been unbelievably long,without my laptop working...I feel so freaking lost not being able to fully do my online Web Diva&Thick Dream Productions business like I need to.
I have had some downtime to reflect on my life and my business. I have decided to go back to the basics,what got me here. I am done with the castings,not going to accept Co Stars other than my man,bf,boo,sweetie,spouse,aka my partner. Not saying that I will not collaborate with fellow adult entertainment industry folks. I am use to doing my scenes with my man/partner who is not in the business,he helps me because he wants to.
I know that my associates are looking at me sideways because of some things that I stated on twitter.com/atl_thickdream this week. I cannot apologize for what I said because I can only do what works for me. I meant what I said when I stated that I am doing what everyone else is doing simply because its whats"in". I did not get into the adult entertainment industry nor did I become an entertainer for the awards,cliches, and groupies. I do my entertaining because its my passion, I love to entertain. I love to produce erotica, and I love creating erotic compositions.
The downside of the industry is its one sided, the women in the business do not usually have a happy ended. Those who decide to fallback and focus on their career or are unable to go in it as deep, are not always respected by their peers. Hence,why my circle of associates is small. I am thankful to have their input on some issues that have came across my desk this year. I appreciate my industry folk and my friends who are in the "Lifestyle", without them I think I would have went batty trying to figure some shit out.
I now know that I need someone in my life and on my team who is truly supportive of my decisions. From my choice to entertain or my choice to complete my degree. He must support the lifestyle that comes with it. That is very important.
I also found out that being poly-amorous does not work for me. Although I have been honest with all parties involved, it is not going to work at all for me. Guy does not like sharing me with my Co Stars,so I know he does not enjoy sharing me with anyone else. Me being too honest about what I do,is not enough for them. Lord knows what they do on their time away from me, do I care? Yes and no, but I cannot get caught up in all that. My belief, if it does not affect me directly, its not my concern. I keep my partners safe when I play,especially when I produce a scene....that is all that should matter,period.
This is not a shocker,but I want a REAL relationship. I miss having that man of my own. After being married over a decade, yes one can get use to that....he did spoil me to a certain extent, hell, I miss that.
I do not plan on conforming for my next partner. I am too old for that shit, I will adjust my business and life to allow him into it. Most women will not do that, my girlfriends say"girl,you do too much". The thing is, they are not in the entertainment business. And their previous sex life is not plastered on the world wide web. So, unfortunately I have to do things slightly differently when dating and dealing with my guy. Sometimes I tolerate certain situations than they would allow, then in other situations I walk away from not giving it a second thought because I am not stressed about it..."another will soon come to replace them"...my thoughts.
The only difference this time around is, I am not going to accept anyone without his own...meaning his own car,place,goals,and a job. Those few things are not too much to ask,I think they are important requirements since I have them all and I raise a family with minimal support. A man with his own, is a all true man. I want him to have his own hobbies,friends, and life outside of me and mine. I will support whatever his goals are, and I certainly will appreciate the help he gives me in my business. He does not have to be in a scene with me, that is his choice. It will be a mutual decision whether I do scenes with other people or not. I am willing to do softcore or erotica featuring myself and/or other women associates. Eventually, I will be paying models to do the scenes I won't or cannot do. He must understand that is a process though.
I am listening to "Hood Love" by Mary J Blige, my eyes are watery thinking about the real moments I have survived,yet it never stopped me from loving again. I know right, I can't figure it out. After being lied to, cursed out, cheated on, threatened...I still have it in me to open my shell to that emotion-LOVE. I do not fall as deep as I use to, I am learning to back off easier when I see that person isn't deserving of me.
I'd be a liar and a half if I said I am cool with my status, I am not at all. I do not know why I am being silly...could be the change in temperature, since I am use to having that bed buddy. Or it could be that the holidays are approaching...we usually do it big during the holidays or we struggle together-and do nothing at all...whatever the situation was, I was there loving and doing what was required of me....dammit, I miss that.
Yes, I could have any kind of man I want, but it would only be temporary if he cannot fulfill all of my needs-sexually,mentally, and able to give me the time I ask....I would have to piece him together with another...i.e-the poly-amorous situation. If the sex is good,but our conversation sucks....not good. Or our conversation is great,but the sex is awful...not good either. It has to be equal in every aspect to keep me diehard for him. And no, he can't just sex me....talk to me and not spend quality time with me,really not good. He would have to make time for me...or forget about me.
www.twitter.com/atl_thickdream
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Dear Diary Saturday,Oct15 (BLAH MOOD)
Dear Diary:
Its Sweetest Day, I am getting ready to go out on the town this evening. I want to stay in with my teddy bear, in my Target cotton PJ's, eyes glued to my Samsung HDTV.
I feel sexy, I am happy, but I am missing a small part of me. A part of me is floating somewhere in the far beyond and it does not want to come back...lol...probably dreading this evening out.
I am going to be in a room full of people, yet all I want is to be held close and kissed gently upon my neck. Nothing major, just that simple. A warm embrace, on a chilly fall night....priceless.
I am so spoiled by my fans and admirers, I should be whole...not even close. Pieces of me are missing....some parts I have given away....never to be returned.....and the rest wore off by improper "use",so they are out for repair...lol...those parts are on backorder.
A close friend of mine offered himself to me,I am undecided if I should take him up on his offer. He does not want a sexxxy display. He just wants to listen to me, and help where he can. He means well, but I do not want to cross into uncharted waters with him. Emotions will take you to places, you do not want to go or need to go with certain people.
His hugs are innocent, and the tears that we share are genuine. We have had some of the same struggles, so I do not make a big deal out of seeing a man cry.
The more I think about it, the more I am leaning to staying home....he just called and invited me over....he joked about spooning while watching DVDs tonight...and he will provide the Kleenex.
Ok,off goes the stiletto's and the MAC make up...I am spending time with my friend tonight, my EVO will get turned off soon....as I unwind and distress from all the extra bullshit that has been coming at me. Those people who said they loved or wanted to marry me, and cannot stop thinking about me....will not be thought of or brought up during this true friend time....nothing sexual will occur, which makes this really special. And yes,he has seen me naked....but we are grown,so shit like that does not matter.
At the moment, I am freakin teary eyed,so wild that a woman like me has spent time with various types of people finds simplicity in a quiet evening barefoot close to a platonic friend. Men in my life are either unappreciative of my realness or unqualified to provide such emotional support to me,so why try to get something out of an incompetent source. And the ones who are all that and then some, are not available completely to me....and that totally sucks ass.
I have to keep this writing short and brief,enough of myself has been divulged....oh well,eat it up...you evil forces that love to see my downs and want to know about my everything including,my pains.
Enjoy your Sweetest Day,hopefully it is spent with a real friend.
~Dream~
Its Sweetest Day, I am getting ready to go out on the town this evening. I want to stay in with my teddy bear, in my Target cotton PJ's, eyes glued to my Samsung HDTV.
I feel sexy, I am happy, but I am missing a small part of me. A part of me is floating somewhere in the far beyond and it does not want to come back...lol...probably dreading this evening out.
I am going to be in a room full of people, yet all I want is to be held close and kissed gently upon my neck. Nothing major, just that simple. A warm embrace, on a chilly fall night....priceless.
I am so spoiled by my fans and admirers, I should be whole...not even close. Pieces of me are missing....some parts I have given away....never to be returned.....and the rest wore off by improper "use",so they are out for repair...lol...those parts are on backorder.
A close friend of mine offered himself to me,I am undecided if I should take him up on his offer. He does not want a sexxxy display. He just wants to listen to me, and help where he can. He means well, but I do not want to cross into uncharted waters with him. Emotions will take you to places, you do not want to go or need to go with certain people.
His hugs are innocent, and the tears that we share are genuine. We have had some of the same struggles, so I do not make a big deal out of seeing a man cry.
The more I think about it, the more I am leaning to staying home....he just called and invited me over....he joked about spooning while watching DVDs tonight...and he will provide the Kleenex.
Ok,off goes the stiletto's and the MAC make up...I am spending time with my friend tonight, my EVO will get turned off soon....as I unwind and distress from all the extra bullshit that has been coming at me. Those people who said they loved or wanted to marry me, and cannot stop thinking about me....will not be thought of or brought up during this true friend time....nothing sexual will occur, which makes this really special. And yes,he has seen me naked....but we are grown,so shit like that does not matter.
At the moment, I am freakin teary eyed,so wild that a woman like me has spent time with various types of people finds simplicity in a quiet evening barefoot close to a platonic friend. Men in my life are either unappreciative of my realness or unqualified to provide such emotional support to me,so why try to get something out of an incompetent source. And the ones who are all that and then some, are not available completely to me....and that totally sucks ass.
I have to keep this writing short and brief,enough of myself has been divulged....oh well,eat it up...you evil forces that love to see my downs and want to know about my everything including,my pains.
Enjoy your Sweetest Day,hopefully it is spent with a real friend.
~Dream~
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Dear Diary Its Msatlantathickdream.com Anniversary2day
Dear Diary:
Happy Anniversary to ME,my website is ONE year old today!! I am excited,but I do have mixed emotions about this day. Over a year, I've had some setbacks and success. I want to go out tonight and celebrate regardless,but damn with who? Who is deserving to spend my anniversary with...decisions,decisions.
I plan to give some hellafied headservice to one deserving man tonight. I plan to suck the moles off his dick,lol...or come close to it.
This blowjob will be fully involved. I have some stress to release tonight, what a better way...giving some super bomb ass head to a unsuspecting man.
I know he will be murmuring his "confessions"...his feelings for me, I am sure of it. I promise it will not go to my head. Guys say some wild shit,most they do not mean when they are receiving my headservice.
I will make sure we do something like have dinner or run an errand together first before I suck the life out of him. Because once I give him head, he will be ready to fuck the shit out of me and rest some for another round, then crash to sleep.
I want to rub his head while we watch TV together. I am so relaxed when his head resting on my breast. My feet propped on his lap, him massaging my pedicured toes, we both unwinding after a long day. Damn, I can get use to that. Been awhile since I played "house".
I am undecided what all I want to do later, but I know my creative junkyard of a brain will come up with something.
~Dream~
Happy Anniversary to ME,my website is ONE year old today!! I am excited,but I do have mixed emotions about this day. Over a year, I've had some setbacks and success. I want to go out tonight and celebrate regardless,but damn with who? Who is deserving to spend my anniversary with...decisions,decisions.
I plan to give some hellafied headservice to one deserving man tonight. I plan to suck the moles off his dick,lol...or come close to it.
This blowjob will be fully involved. I have some stress to release tonight, what a better way...giving some super bomb ass head to a unsuspecting man.
I know he will be murmuring his "confessions"...his feelings for me, I am sure of it. I promise it will not go to my head. Guys say some wild shit,most they do not mean when they are receiving my headservice.
I will make sure we do something like have dinner or run an errand together first before I suck the life out of him. Because once I give him head, he will be ready to fuck the shit out of me and rest some for another round, then crash to sleep.
I want to rub his head while we watch TV together. I am so relaxed when his head resting on my breast. My feet propped on his lap, him massaging my pedicured toes, we both unwinding after a long day. Damn, I can get use to that. Been awhile since I played "house".
I am undecided what all I want to do later, but I know my creative junkyard of a brain will come up with something.
~Dream~
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Dear Diary Oct2"Spontaneous Despicable Me"
Dear Diary:
What a cold morning it is in Atlanta. My nipples are hard, as I stir my pancake batter. My cup of green tea is chilling next to me.
I am so happy for another productive week. The new fuck scene with Mr.Smooth turned out good, it was time I made a sex scene, the fans were asking for it.
I shared the footage with my sweetie first before posting it. I had to get his opinion on the scene, and make sure he was truly cool with it. Because this is a first time ever having someone who say they are cool with having a lover who is in the adult entertainment industry, so I had to double check, to make sure he is okay about some stuff. I have made some mistakes in my past, and I like to take caution. I do not want to inadvertently hurt him or repulse him, but so far my goodness it has not happened. He is pretty open minded. I was shocked that he "approved" and critiqued the scene so well. He played really cool while viewing it,but in the back of my mind I could not help but think "he is going to choke the shit out of me" and "when is he going to go off on me".
That did not happen, he was actually turned on....hell, we were both turned on. In the front seat of my truck, no panties on, my stiletto heels I took off....got out the driver side and I went over to the passenger side to sit on his lap. There was something nice and hard I wanted to sit on. He started it, lol, taking his dick out...bet he thought all I was going to do was suck it,lol...nah....I had to sit on that sexy meat. He didn't think we both could fit in the seat, oh...trust me, I was going to make this happen. Slid up my dress, bent over slightly, and he put it in my warm wetness. OMG,it felt so good. What made it so fucking great?? It was the location, we were in a public parking lot, off to the side. A small group of joggers saw us, but I am sure they did not know what we were doing. He was scared, I wasn't...it turned me on even more, I kept talking&riding "they are not coming back around...they did not see nothing baby". Talking and bouncing on his dick, got my pussy wetter. LOL,I was sooo bad...he liked it. I wanted to roll down the window and yell out, "look at me...weeeehee...I am riding this dick....look at me...weeeehee...I am taking HIS dick". LOL!!!
My neck was bent in the corner of the dashboard, I had some whiplash action going on-when I got home, and my thighs were sore...I didn't care, the sex was excellent. The orgasms I had were like fireworks. The feeling I got right before he climaxed, had me holding back my tears. The heat of his swollen penis against my walls, so incredible. His hands gripping my ass and hips...holding on for dear life....holding my love handles, he says"I am about to cum,where do you want me to put it". My rapid response,while riding him"keep going, don't stop,don't stop...keep it in...keep it innnn". He cums,denies my request to cum in me. I was not surprised he chickened out, slightly disappointed though...lately he has been asking to release himself in me, and I pulled his card...he punked out,lol.
I gave him a few juicy kisses for the drive home, what an outstanding performance. Our first spontaneous encounter with each other, what a fucking rush we had. The energy was amazing, I had to pull over on my drive home, as I replayed the events of my day leading up to that, my head started to spin horribly....euphoria....topped with the feeling of being caught....and the man who was behind the dick down....so much to take in, I almost overloaded.
Wow,the sex I had on camera could not top what I got in the front seat of my truck. I could not compare the two,totally different people,situation,body type,etc. etc. I cannot wait to share with the world how he(my sweetie) and I get it on. I am not in a rush. LOL,because I know my fans,friends,some family...who knows...will be viewing and I fear that I get too bitchass and cry during the scene since it will be unscripted. I am sure it will be good footage,and go on my list of top best sex and favorite scenes ever. He seems to be making all of my first and top of everything lately....crossing my fingers,hope that does not change anytime soon.
I am off to enjoy some time with family from out of town, dreading to share what I have been up to,its always more than what I care to divulge.
~Dream~
What a cold morning it is in Atlanta. My nipples are hard, as I stir my pancake batter. My cup of green tea is chilling next to me.
I am so happy for another productive week. The new fuck scene with Mr.Smooth turned out good, it was time I made a sex scene, the fans were asking for it.
I shared the footage with my sweetie first before posting it. I had to get his opinion on the scene, and make sure he was truly cool with it. Because this is a first time ever having someone who say they are cool with having a lover who is in the adult entertainment industry, so I had to double check, to make sure he is okay about some stuff. I have made some mistakes in my past, and I like to take caution. I do not want to inadvertently hurt him or repulse him, but so far my goodness it has not happened. He is pretty open minded. I was shocked that he "approved" and critiqued the scene so well. He played really cool while viewing it,but in the back of my mind I could not help but think "he is going to choke the shit out of me" and "when is he going to go off on me".
That did not happen, he was actually turned on....hell, we were both turned on. In the front seat of my truck, no panties on, my stiletto heels I took off....got out the driver side and I went over to the passenger side to sit on his lap. There was something nice and hard I wanted to sit on. He started it, lol, taking his dick out...bet he thought all I was going to do was suck it,lol...nah....I had to sit on that sexy meat. He didn't think we both could fit in the seat, oh...trust me, I was going to make this happen. Slid up my dress, bent over slightly, and he put it in my warm wetness. OMG,it felt so good. What made it so fucking great?? It was the location, we were in a public parking lot, off to the side. A small group of joggers saw us, but I am sure they did not know what we were doing. He was scared, I wasn't...it turned me on even more, I kept talking&riding "they are not coming back around...they did not see nothing baby". Talking and bouncing on his dick, got my pussy wetter. LOL,I was sooo bad...he liked it. I wanted to roll down the window and yell out, "look at me...weeeehee...I am riding this dick....look at me...weeeehee...I am taking HIS dick". LOL!!!
My neck was bent in the corner of the dashboard, I had some whiplash action going on-when I got home, and my thighs were sore...I didn't care, the sex was excellent. The orgasms I had were like fireworks. The feeling I got right before he climaxed, had me holding back my tears. The heat of his swollen penis against my walls, so incredible. His hands gripping my ass and hips...holding on for dear life....holding my love handles, he says"I am about to cum,where do you want me to put it". My rapid response,while riding him"keep going, don't stop,don't stop...keep it in...keep it innnn". He cums,denies my request to cum in me. I was not surprised he chickened out, slightly disappointed though...lately he has been asking to release himself in me, and I pulled his card...he punked out,lol.
I gave him a few juicy kisses for the drive home, what an outstanding performance. Our first spontaneous encounter with each other, what a fucking rush we had. The energy was amazing, I had to pull over on my drive home, as I replayed the events of my day leading up to that, my head started to spin horribly....euphoria....topped with the feeling of being caught....and the man who was behind the dick down....so much to take in, I almost overloaded.
Wow,the sex I had on camera could not top what I got in the front seat of my truck. I could not compare the two,totally different people,situation,body type,etc. etc. I cannot wait to share with the world how he(my sweetie) and I get it on. I am not in a rush. LOL,because I know my fans,friends,some family...who knows...will be viewing and I fear that I get too bitchass and cry during the scene since it will be unscripted. I am sure it will be good footage,and go on my list of top best sex and favorite scenes ever. He seems to be making all of my first and top of everything lately....crossing my fingers,hope that does not change anytime soon.
I am off to enjoy some time with family from out of town, dreading to share what I have been up to,its always more than what I care to divulge.
~Dream~
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