Dear Diary-look what I found when I cleaned out my closet, a letter to Mr.
Dear Duke:
I'm taking the time to write down my thoughts about you and I. This may seem silly to you or a repeat of what we've spoken about. I believe writing can be therapy at times when you can't get your points across.
When I met you, you sold me with your charm, tone, and conversation. Then it wasn't about who business and who day was the most stressful. Then-it seemed genuine...why? Because we/you were attentive to each other.
I thought we had a genuine interest in each other. Seemed so innocent and harmless. Sharing out past experiences was something we did and nothing was wrong with it. Now its like I can't talk to you about the simplest things-not without you going off on me or taking one point out of the whole conversation and riding on it. So...so...so not fair.
You know that our relationship isn't built off sex. Yet we both expressed in the beginning the importance of "good sex" we toasted to it. Despite the issues you have sexually, I came to you and said,"as long as the quality is good,I won't complain,verse the the quantity of sex".
You think that I'm "unhappy' because of the sex? Why would you think that, are you guilty because you are aware of what it takes to keep me "happy"? Are you guilty because you haven't been doing it? Sex isn't what makes me happy-having a mate who loves and cares about me equally, that's what makes me happy. Having a man who spends time with me-that makes me happy. Having a man who is happy and healthy-that makes me happy. Being alive makes me happy. Being able to pay bills-that makes me happy.
I've accepted a lot of things about this relationship, but I will not accept that you are just not that into me, that's what I don't want to believe. It seems simple and it would answer all my unknowns about us. I refuse to go for that answer. I believe you're that guy you said you were. The loving, catering, gentleman-the lover, not a fighter kind of guy.
Money seems like an issue with us, I just hope it doesn't destroy what we can have. My needs sexually are strong and not NEVER hidden. I believe yours are also, but you find satisfaction in other areas such as sex text and pic/dick mail sharing to others. I may "get off" to other things than you;however, nothing and no one is suppose to be pleasing me, but YOU! A sex toy or my hands shouldn't be relied upon to give me pleasure-that's your job as my man. Just like how I'm willing or have been willing to please you sexually by any means. Your desire to get me off should be the exact same-that's if you care. I suck you off to get it up and stay up. I've learned that about you. How have you learned to turn me on? How many different ways have you tried to make me cum? How many times have you placed your face between my thighs and went exploring?
Anyway, I hope things turn around quickly so you and I can actually date/court each other. I enjoy going out with my man, not going out separately.
Also, I don't want to grow cold-we are too new for all that. We should be spending blissful evenings with each other and passionate days in each others thoughts throughout.
Real talk, I'm hoping there is space in your heart for me. Maybe its just me, but I feel like you don't like me like you portray. Sometimes even when we have sex-I feel that way too. I have to tell you to kiss me during sex? I want to be touched, rubbed, kissed the same I do you. I want all that energy and passion given back to me. Being tired is one thing and not interested in someone is another.
Ask yourself-if you had a better job, more money, own place, personal training school done, and well rested-would you be involved with me?
Here is a list of things I don't want to see happen with us:
Cheating
Lying
Animosity
Jealousy
Resentment
Silence
Distance
Poor communication
Deprivation
Separation-A break up
Things I'd like to see us do:
Accomplish
Acquire
Achieve
Succeed
Pray
Love
Support/Praise
Travel
Be in tune with each other, knowing when the other is lacking or needing or depleting, be on a higher level with each other beyond sex, and material possessions. Be able to finish each others thoughts.
Become 1
Well, now after reading this letter signs were present early on. My intuition was working overtime. The teary moments on a cold bathroom floor came back fresh to me. I was confused a lot at times. One day he would be playful,affectionate, then cold and harsh the next. We did manage to accomplish some of the things on my list, those are the things that I underlined...good and bad. For the life of me, I still cannot understand how we were able to finish each others thoughts and sentences. Perhaps, we are both slightly clairvoyant?
**Disclaimer, this blog is for entertainment purposes only (combination of fact & fiction). Names, places, and some events have been altered for the privacy of the author and her counterparts. **
Friday, April 22, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
From The Pages of my Diary
Dear Diary:
I had to dust you off,I did not know where else to turn, my mind was filled with thoughts and my heart heavy with emotion.
These past days have been long and hard, I am thankful that I have managed to resist the bottle. However, tonight I hold my glass high, two shots of Vodka I tossed back.
Today felt very different, it was in a way...a rebirth of me, this journey he and I was on has came to an end. It was not unexpected, it was inevitable. Just like the one before him, I grieved him long before this occurred, so the pain is not as bad yet it was stronger.
The team we worked so hard to be apart of, was always a struggle. There was never a complete compromise. He felt too old to take my advice. I took his,but altered it so much he could not tell.
I am going to miss the lovemaking, gourmet meals, and all that extra nice stuff men do for their lady. Yes, I was slightly spoiled. When it rained, he was there to drive the car around and hold the umbrella for me. I will miss that. His sexy deep baritone with a Gulf Coast accent,whispering sweet nothings in my ear, he would make me giggle like a school girl and moist like a Sani-Cloth.
He has some good traits about himself, and we shared a lot of good times. He was a beast in deciphering bullshit, he kept me a brisk of what business to do or who to avoid in the business. He'll always have a special place in my heart.
Although I was head over heels in love with this gent, when I share with you his darker side-even you will wonder why. Maybe because it was tolerable, and at the time he was serving his purpose in my life...boyfriend, body guard, business partner and personal chef.
We all have issues you know, but his are deeper than just relationships they go back from infancy. He was born to an accomplished father and a irresponsible mother, who later on abandoned him. She failed him as a parent, and neglected to get her son circumcised (which gave him a complex about his penis).
When his mother left, it attributed to his controlling personality. See, he has to have control because other parts of his life are out of order, and what better way to make himself feel powerful than to control a beautiful woman.
It sounds funny now, but he would attempt to control me with his penis and our sex. Certain times of the night, after midnight, I could not ask for sex. Often he was "tired"and lost erection during sex. He blamed it on stress and his life not being "right"at that moment.
I found that hard to believe. A healthy athletic male having erectile issues, the same man who successfully attained a sex Goddess/actress as his girlfriend/partner. Humm,I highly doubt that stress was the root of his limp noodle.
For months, I dealt with it, not putting up a fuss. When he stayed out one night too many,I began to see the big picture. I knew early on he was on some bullshit, but kept my mouth shut for the most part.
On the nights he stayed out overnight, I made sure that the loving he was not giving me at home, I got it elsewhere. I felt I had no choice, he would withhold sex from me, I was so horny once I cried myself to sleep, afraid to come onto him for sex after the midnight hour.
His reasons for not coming home would vary from falling sleep at his cousin house, to being too distraught to drive after finding out a loved one passed away. Oh yes, he was good, but not good as I.
He trusted me, too much I think. It got so bad, one morning I almost beat him out the door. He was heading to a job he hated, I was heading to a "meeting"with the ladies. I laid up all day at a hotel down the street from where he worked. When he called to say he was on his way home, I would drop everything, to make damned sure to beat him there. And I had dinner waiting.
I did not waste too much time with the others, they were just "fillers"he had my heart and was a part of my family. The others had worse issues than he, I did not have time to entertain any of them. One I found had a "thing"for transgenders. He proposed marriage to me on numerous occasions, often he begged to take me on all expense paid trips to stores and islands.
One horny afternoon, I allowed my hottie trainer to bring me some of his "meaty" delight. He had my pussy for lunch. The sex was outstanding, he came from behind like a freight train. I made sure that we remained out of the bedroom, that was the sanctuary. My body was very pleased when he left. On this day, when Mr came home, I was the one tired that night.
A tear came down my eye just now, I remember being live on webcam he made an ass out of me, on more than one occasion. My fans saw how he was merely part of the furniture, he did not care either, and would often say so. He never was able to give me a good fuck on camera. I learned recently it was because he is self consciousness about the size of his penis, so yes-he's insecure. Little penis, strong personality, so what-I grew to love him. I spoiled him just like he spoiled me in the beginning, but I never got comfortable with mine. I was able to maintain my home, him and the others out in the street. I upgraded him, from major relaxed to Calvin Klein jeans and Ralph Lauren polos. When we met he was wearing old school KSwiss and a green nylon warm up. Why did I do it? Emotionally at times, he was my rock, I had to invest in him. I feel that your mate is a representation of you so he had to truly rep for me. I did what I could to help him from NIKE warms ups,sneakers, phone bill paid, and cash to his teenage son for driving school. I didn't mind, he made me happy.
One big part I am leaving out, he's brash and often would hurt my feelings without knowing it. That and him taking periodic calls outside in his car, kept me wondering how he truly felt about me. I would always tell him how I felt about him and backed up my words with actions. He seemed like he was into me one day and the next I would be clueless. Regardless, we were very affectionate and loving for the most part,I saw him as my soul mate....he called me his "help mate". Yet and still....something was not right. Nope, he never said that he loved me;however, that did not stop me from saying it frequently.
The last time I visited another, he was not working, I left him home with the children. It had been a week since he'd touched me, and a month after he "lost" his job (I found that out by accident one day I was bringing him lunch).
The throbbing pains in my pussy were unbearable. I gave into my friend, a former NBA player. His body was a piece of art, every muscle you can see and name. He was the perfect height to handle my 62 inch ass, he took me missionary. He had me going for all but what maybe five minutes, and he gave out of steam. "Shit"I said to myself, and that was the last straw, I decided to hang up my player cap, and keep it home. I then allowed things to happen naturally between Mr and I. I decided if we were going to be over with, it will happen on its on or if we were going to stay together I am not doing anything extra to make him stay. I stopped buying, and started spending on myself. I did not force the break, I did not run him away;however, I admit I prolonged it slightly by biting my tongue.
I allowed him to become the ruler in my castle. Why? Why not? LOL, he had no home of his own, so why not allow him to play house in mine. It was fun seeing him bent down in front of my stove, scrubbing my toilets, and helping my children with their homework. What woman wouldn't want that?
Having The King (Mr.Jack-of-all trades:cook, mechanic, advisor, trainer, and lover) home all the time,got old quick when he became irritated when I started to mention him looking for work or I would ask when was he going to start the business he aspired to have.
What happened? His time at the gym suddenly increased, and so did the calls out in his car. He was plotting a way out. How did I know? My intuition spoke to me every time he was up to something, and she was never wrong. "My man is planning his great escape and there is nothing I can do"I said to myself. I attempted to tread lightly until he left, I wanted to savor every moment because I knew it was going to be our last.
The morning he left, we made love like no other, in front of a mirror,his dick...hard as steel-now ain't that some shit. I did not know whether to moan from the arousal or cry because this was it. So I did both. I cried out,"oh honey this is sooo fucking good" along with some "I love you's" in between. He sexed me like a champion, a true warrior. And like a warrior, he left his "mark"and released himself inside of my pussy.
The last conversation was dry and pointless. The look in his eyes showed he had removed his emotions because this is something he "had to do"he probably told himself.
You know what gave him away? The kiss-it said it all....more than words could ever say. It told on him, yes-kisses are snitches. His kiss confirmed that "trip" he was leaving for was nothing but an extended vacation, no matter what his mouth said-the kiss backed up my intuition...again.
The door closed, my heart stopped beating for a second and I held my breath til the tears broke through. I sat on the edge of my empty bed, grabbing for his pillow and tossing it. I wished he was there to receive that pillow upside his head.
I did not pick up my phone, I went to my closet and I started to clean. I took an entire weekend cleaning it, organizing it, making space for a man that I knew in my heart would never return. Silly of me, but it was symbolic and somewhat therapy. It kept me from running to the others, they did not deserve me in such an emotional state. I wanted to deal with this on my own, and I did. It wasn't easy hiding my emotions from my fans, friends, and family.
Lately I've been hiding in my work, networking, planning, and collaborating to keep me busy.
He's been here supporting me from afar, but its simply not the same. I needed his body either in front of my camera or holding it, neither option was available, so I did what I had to do-keep the business going in his absence. Because we were amicable for the most part, I felt nothing wrong with mesharing my thoughts with him on my projects. He seemed cool,on board for the most part with everything, and understood I had to conduct business.
HAHAHA!! Yeah right, that was far from the truth, he snapped when I shared that I had replaced him as Co Star, which meant I had sex with someone else. I told him about a production I did, and it would not be out for another couple of weeks. I do not know which he was more angry about, the fact I didn't tell him when I did the flick or that I had sex with someone else. I am guessing it was a little of both.
My intuition told me "if he cared so much, he would have never left,and business would have been business as usual". She knows her stuff.
Well, Mr got pissed at me for saying "it was you I was thinking about when we were filming the scene". He was so upset, he hung up the phone, but before the call disconnected he said"that is some bullshit, and I am not having this discussion". Of course, I had to have the last words, texting is my weapon, my words are like hot bullets. I text and text until I ran out of things to say, somethings were good and some were horribly bad-yet all truths. I had finally stopped biting my tongue, I had not saved him from my lethal verbal beat down. This time I did not cry when all was said and done. I will not contact him again, he is no use to me anymore. He's disposable,always been replaceable. I just "spared' him many times because he was my honey, my Mr.Potential. I chose him, true indeed, but ultimately he controlled our fate and our destiny.
He wishes to be dead to me, so deceased he shall be. "Mr"was nothing more than a learning experience and to him I am merely a ~Dream~.
**Disclaimer, this blog is for entertainment purposes only (combination of fact & fiction). Names, places, and some events have been altered for the privacy of the author and her counterparts. **
I had to dust you off,I did not know where else to turn, my mind was filled with thoughts and my heart heavy with emotion.
These past days have been long and hard, I am thankful that I have managed to resist the bottle. However, tonight I hold my glass high, two shots of Vodka I tossed back.
Today felt very different, it was in a way...a rebirth of me, this journey he and I was on has came to an end. It was not unexpected, it was inevitable. Just like the one before him, I grieved him long before this occurred, so the pain is not as bad yet it was stronger.
The team we worked so hard to be apart of, was always a struggle. There was never a complete compromise. He felt too old to take my advice. I took his,but altered it so much he could not tell.
I am going to miss the lovemaking, gourmet meals, and all that extra nice stuff men do for their lady. Yes, I was slightly spoiled. When it rained, he was there to drive the car around and hold the umbrella for me. I will miss that. His sexy deep baritone with a Gulf Coast accent,whispering sweet nothings in my ear, he would make me giggle like a school girl and moist like a Sani-Cloth.
He has some good traits about himself, and we shared a lot of good times. He was a beast in deciphering bullshit, he kept me a brisk of what business to do or who to avoid in the business. He'll always have a special place in my heart.
Although I was head over heels in love with this gent, when I share with you his darker side-even you will wonder why. Maybe because it was tolerable, and at the time he was serving his purpose in my life...boyfriend, body guard, business partner and personal chef.
We all have issues you know, but his are deeper than just relationships they go back from infancy. He was born to an accomplished father and a irresponsible mother, who later on abandoned him. She failed him as a parent, and neglected to get her son circumcised (which gave him a complex about his penis).
When his mother left, it attributed to his controlling personality. See, he has to have control because other parts of his life are out of order, and what better way to make himself feel powerful than to control a beautiful woman.
It sounds funny now, but he would attempt to control me with his penis and our sex. Certain times of the night, after midnight, I could not ask for sex. Often he was "tired"and lost erection during sex. He blamed it on stress and his life not being "right"at that moment.
I found that hard to believe. A healthy athletic male having erectile issues, the same man who successfully attained a sex Goddess/actress as his girlfriend/partner. Humm,I highly doubt that stress was the root of his limp noodle.
For months, I dealt with it, not putting up a fuss. When he stayed out one night too many,I began to see the big picture. I knew early on he was on some bullshit, but kept my mouth shut for the most part.
On the nights he stayed out overnight, I made sure that the loving he was not giving me at home, I got it elsewhere. I felt I had no choice, he would withhold sex from me, I was so horny once I cried myself to sleep, afraid to come onto him for sex after the midnight hour.
His reasons for not coming home would vary from falling sleep at his cousin house, to being too distraught to drive after finding out a loved one passed away. Oh yes, he was good, but not good as I.
He trusted me, too much I think. It got so bad, one morning I almost beat him out the door. He was heading to a job he hated, I was heading to a "meeting"with the ladies. I laid up all day at a hotel down the street from where he worked. When he called to say he was on his way home, I would drop everything, to make damned sure to beat him there. And I had dinner waiting.
I did not waste too much time with the others, they were just "fillers"he had my heart and was a part of my family. The others had worse issues than he, I did not have time to entertain any of them. One I found had a "thing"for transgenders. He proposed marriage to me on numerous occasions, often he begged to take me on all expense paid trips to stores and islands.
One horny afternoon, I allowed my hottie trainer to bring me some of his "meaty" delight. He had my pussy for lunch. The sex was outstanding, he came from behind like a freight train. I made sure that we remained out of the bedroom, that was the sanctuary. My body was very pleased when he left. On this day, when Mr came home, I was the one tired that night.
A tear came down my eye just now, I remember being live on webcam he made an ass out of me, on more than one occasion. My fans saw how he was merely part of the furniture, he did not care either, and would often say so. He never was able to give me a good fuck on camera. I learned recently it was because he is self consciousness about the size of his penis, so yes-he's insecure. Little penis, strong personality, so what-I grew to love him. I spoiled him just like he spoiled me in the beginning, but I never got comfortable with mine. I was able to maintain my home, him and the others out in the street. I upgraded him, from major relaxed to Calvin Klein jeans and Ralph Lauren polos. When we met he was wearing old school KSwiss and a green nylon warm up. Why did I do it? Emotionally at times, he was my rock, I had to invest in him. I feel that your mate is a representation of you so he had to truly rep for me. I did what I could to help him from NIKE warms ups,sneakers, phone bill paid, and cash to his teenage son for driving school. I didn't mind, he made me happy.
One big part I am leaving out, he's brash and often would hurt my feelings without knowing it. That and him taking periodic calls outside in his car, kept me wondering how he truly felt about me. I would always tell him how I felt about him and backed up my words with actions. He seemed like he was into me one day and the next I would be clueless. Regardless, we were very affectionate and loving for the most part,I saw him as my soul mate....he called me his "help mate". Yet and still....something was not right. Nope, he never said that he loved me;however, that did not stop me from saying it frequently.
The last time I visited another, he was not working, I left him home with the children. It had been a week since he'd touched me, and a month after he "lost" his job (I found that out by accident one day I was bringing him lunch).
The throbbing pains in my pussy were unbearable. I gave into my friend, a former NBA player. His body was a piece of art, every muscle you can see and name. He was the perfect height to handle my 62 inch ass, he took me missionary. He had me going for all but what maybe five minutes, and he gave out of steam. "Shit"I said to myself, and that was the last straw, I decided to hang up my player cap, and keep it home. I then allowed things to happen naturally between Mr and I. I decided if we were going to be over with, it will happen on its on or if we were going to stay together I am not doing anything extra to make him stay. I stopped buying, and started spending on myself. I did not force the break, I did not run him away;however, I admit I prolonged it slightly by biting my tongue.
I allowed him to become the ruler in my castle. Why? Why not? LOL, he had no home of his own, so why not allow him to play house in mine. It was fun seeing him bent down in front of my stove, scrubbing my toilets, and helping my children with their homework. What woman wouldn't want that?
Having The King (Mr.Jack-of-all trades:cook, mechanic, advisor, trainer, and lover) home all the time,got old quick when he became irritated when I started to mention him looking for work or I would ask when was he going to start the business he aspired to have.
What happened? His time at the gym suddenly increased, and so did the calls out in his car. He was plotting a way out. How did I know? My intuition spoke to me every time he was up to something, and she was never wrong. "My man is planning his great escape and there is nothing I can do"I said to myself. I attempted to tread lightly until he left, I wanted to savor every moment because I knew it was going to be our last.
The morning he left, we made love like no other, in front of a mirror,his dick...hard as steel-now ain't that some shit. I did not know whether to moan from the arousal or cry because this was it. So I did both. I cried out,"oh honey this is sooo fucking good" along with some "I love you's" in between. He sexed me like a champion, a true warrior. And like a warrior, he left his "mark"and released himself inside of my pussy.
The last conversation was dry and pointless. The look in his eyes showed he had removed his emotions because this is something he "had to do"he probably told himself.
You know what gave him away? The kiss-it said it all....more than words could ever say. It told on him, yes-kisses are snitches. His kiss confirmed that "trip" he was leaving for was nothing but an extended vacation, no matter what his mouth said-the kiss backed up my intuition...again.
The door closed, my heart stopped beating for a second and I held my breath til the tears broke through. I sat on the edge of my empty bed, grabbing for his pillow and tossing it. I wished he was there to receive that pillow upside his head.
I did not pick up my phone, I went to my closet and I started to clean. I took an entire weekend cleaning it, organizing it, making space for a man that I knew in my heart would never return. Silly of me, but it was symbolic and somewhat therapy. It kept me from running to the others, they did not deserve me in such an emotional state. I wanted to deal with this on my own, and I did. It wasn't easy hiding my emotions from my fans, friends, and family.
Lately I've been hiding in my work, networking, planning, and collaborating to keep me busy.
He's been here supporting me from afar, but its simply not the same. I needed his body either in front of my camera or holding it, neither option was available, so I did what I had to do-keep the business going in his absence. Because we were amicable for the most part, I felt nothing wrong with mesharing my thoughts with him on my projects. He seemed cool,on board for the most part with everything, and understood I had to conduct business.
HAHAHA!! Yeah right, that was far from the truth, he snapped when I shared that I had replaced him as Co Star, which meant I had sex with someone else. I told him about a production I did, and it would not be out for another couple of weeks. I do not know which he was more angry about, the fact I didn't tell him when I did the flick or that I had sex with someone else. I am guessing it was a little of both.
My intuition told me "if he cared so much, he would have never left,and business would have been business as usual". She knows her stuff.
Well, Mr got pissed at me for saying "it was you I was thinking about when we were filming the scene". He was so upset, he hung up the phone, but before the call disconnected he said"that is some bullshit, and I am not having this discussion". Of course, I had to have the last words, texting is my weapon, my words are like hot bullets. I text and text until I ran out of things to say, somethings were good and some were horribly bad-yet all truths. I had finally stopped biting my tongue, I had not saved him from my lethal verbal beat down. This time I did not cry when all was said and done. I will not contact him again, he is no use to me anymore. He's disposable,always been replaceable. I just "spared' him many times because he was my honey, my Mr.Potential. I chose him, true indeed, but ultimately he controlled our fate and our destiny.
He wishes to be dead to me, so deceased he shall be. "Mr"was nothing more than a learning experience and to him I am merely a ~Dream~.
**Disclaimer, this blog is for entertainment purposes only (combination of fact & fiction). Names, places, and some events have been altered for the privacy of the author and her counterparts. **
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