Dear Diary:
A lot has happened since I last took the time to share with you the dramatic events of my life. He moved out,the last time I wrote a post. I was very upset, even though it was not a surprise to me that he picked up and left the way he did. I had a lot of thinking to do and a lot of decisions to be made. I wanted to be angry with him, I wanted to go after him, and I wanted to know who he was with. If you notice,I am not saying that I wanted him back...hell no,not after he left. He left what seemed like a good loving home,that we built together.
I did not want to chase after him because I did not have it in me to do that. Why?? What for, chase something that does not want to be mine any longer. Chase a man who could not be faithful to me..why would I do such a thing. That is the biggest mistake women make, chase after a man that they know won't CHANGE for them. Fuck changing a man, what about simply letting go of your unhealthy ways, and embracing a more loving you. Those women chase the man based on their own insecurity. Those women fear being alone, I do not fear loneliness. What I do fear is being cheated on repeatedly. What I do fear is HIV/AIDS and God knows what else is out there besides freaking syphilis and that damned Ebola.
Our wedding engagement was cancelled before we could even hire a wedding planner. I'm shocked that he allowed me to keep the ring,hell,I was surprised that he has been so kind to me throughout all of this turmoil. Oh but, there is a reason why Mista is being the "Nice Guy", see all the time that he has been away from our household...he has been playing house with another...and she is expecting his child...yup-My(ex)Huny is having a baby with the woman he left home for. WOW!! When I found out,I almost fell to the floor,HIM having a baby on the way..the man who feared being a Father. The man who threatened me not to get pregnant in our earlier stages because he feared it would "ruin our careers". He once played with me while drinking and having rough sex.."I'm about to bust a nutt in that sweet pussy of yours"he announced. "Nooo,wait baby-make sure you pull out,I am ovulating...pull out baby please"I tell him. "UUUUUghhh,too fuckin late,I just came all up in your fertile pussy...and you better not get pregnant"he said. "You motherfucker"I replied, and jumped up,to rush off to the bathroom to pee out his cum. While I'm pissing in the bathroom,he begins to crack jokes, changing his voice to sound like Ike Turner. "Anna May..you better not get pregnant...or..or..or,Imma kill yo ass,Anna May,you hear me"he said. I looked around in the bathroom like a parrot,head turning,while I am still sitting on the toilet...I know he is NOT talking to me,I thought to myself. So, I just sat there, quiet as a mouse,pretending not to hear a word he was saying. I know every bit of 20 minutes passed before he got up to see if I was alright or had I fell asleep on the toilet. He creeps into the bathroom,peeps in the toilet area..."honey,you ok....you know I was just playing with you". I blinked a few times,gave him a blank expression,paused before I spoke...flushed the toilet and stood up to get eye-to-eye with him. "You do NOT EVER PLAY WITH ME LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN...DO YOU HEAR ME"I yelled, and poked my finger in his chest, then shoved him with my shoulder to get him out of my way.
And it was from that day forward,I knew that I was not going to have any children by his crazy ass....not until he matured. Even though,the thought of having a baby did enter my mind over the years. I would always revisit that day when he threatened me "playing" Ike Turner. My pregnant fantasy would quickly vanish. Which is why over the years, I made sure that I did not get myself pregnant.
After Mr.Man moved out, I spent a lot of time working, and traveling doing things I was afraid to do alone. I even took a few classes at the community arts&recreation center. I make sure that I am at a Zumba class on Wednesday nights, and I regularly attend a Zen yoga class.
At first when we separated my relationship with Sarge grew closer, and we were actually living together for a few months. I really enjoyed the closeness;however, I realized that I needed time for me...to heal. I had to heal my wounds from my relationship with Mr.Man so I can be a better partner for Sarge. Plus, I did not want to deal with Sarges' insecurities along with what I had to deal with emotionally...at the time,it was just too much to handle. Sarge has been married multiple times before, he has children, and grandchildren, and he has been cheated on, and he has been the cheater. So, he has some experience in life, and he also has some emotional baggage of his own,some that I am willing to deal with and other's I can't deal with while I am undergoing a life crisis of my own. He is an excellent guy overall,but at times I cannot help but think that he see me as a thing to possess, not an actual human being.
I've been trying to get Sarge to fuck me/make love to me like Mr.Man does, and it just does not happen the way HE does it. I mean, the sex is satisfying...its just too "soft" at times. I like the diversity of lovemaking...not the type that's always pump pump pump swirl swirl swirl,out and in,in and out..then you're done! Oh my goodness,that is so dry and boring..and who wants that kind of sex for the rest of their life. No wonder his last relationships did not work (I've said to myself after having sex with him many times). I believe Sarge likes to blame the fact that he's been in a uniform all of his life, his reason why his sex and outlook on intimacy is the way it is,possibly...but it can be adjusted..if HE wanted it to be. Sarge is former military and presently active in law enforcement and community politics...men in those positions are some of the BIGGEST freaks I know, therefore that is a big excuse he holds onto. Ha,I think he is just lazy and complacent. The way those co-workers of his eyeball me when I visit him for lunch or the stories they've shared with him about their loose swinger wives/girlfriends. Men in law enforcement, men in the military, men in powerful positions stay horny and super frisky. Sarge ass has decided to take the slow road when it comes to sex/fucking. When I attempt to remind him how he use to sex me multiple times in one night, he acts as if he has amnesia or something. That does nothing, but frustrate me even more. He has me thinking that he suffers from mild Alzheimers the way he forgets things at times...or he could have "selective memory"as my Mother taught me, that most men do suffering from,along with their selective hearing.
Now I did take myself to some group therapy classes, to see if it was something terribly wrong with me. I had to find out why I was having these feelings about our intimacy. I found out that I am a little bit of the blame, and he's the rest of the blame. Because since I am use to receiving sex on a much higher level, its like I've slowed down for Sarge, hence why I am feeling insatiable. I'm pleased with the sex;however, more time has to be put into it, to fulfill me totally. He figures if he slows down,let me(us)savor the moment,prolong the orgasm,that is what I need. That is incorrect. He also thinks too much while having sex, which at times will lead to him preejaculating and or loosing his erection during intercourse. Who knows what he's thinking of while stroking my pussy, but he needs to cut it out and focus on the energy and pleasing me.
I have been very patient with him because I truly love him. It's just frustrating when I try to talk to him about it, and he kinda sorta ignores it as if there's no issue with our intimacy. He figures if I am coming, and so is he, what in the hell is the problem. Well, the problem is that he can't do it harder or longer like he use to do when we first met. I know he can make love to me without needing medicine. He is being stubborn, he uses work as an excuse to why he can't stay the night now, and why we can't have sex and a date night, it now has to be either or...rarely both. He and I have not shared the same bed in a while now.
I want to blame me living an alternative lifestyle with Mr.Man for so long,why my sexual appetite is so high. I'm beginning to believe that I am too much for Sarge now, and he's realizing it, and I feel him now pulling back. I miss the serious,funny,sensual,intellectual, kinky time we have....the spiritual lovemaking that we've had...I miss it tremendously.
Nonetheless,I give him his space. I keep myself busy with work projects, my fitness, and redecorating my house. There are times I want to attend a poly meet up(a polyamory cocktail party or a swinger party-not sex based) with mutual friends,even though I know I'm not ready to be questioned on what happened with Mr.Man and I. I know that I would run into him at one because my friend in the lifestyle made a special call to me last month, to let me know she saw him mingling among the crowd (without the pregnant girlfriend). There has been Friday nights where I've gotten dressed in my curve complimenting attire and killer heels,pushed the ignition to my ride...lifted the garage door,all dressed for a night on the town....only to come back home....with a green tea I grabbed from the corner gas station. I had every intention to go to a party or some damned where, but my mind would not allow me. Once I played the attire evening out in my mind,hahaha!! I thought about how I would be looking so good, only to make Mr.Man feel some way to where he wanted me back. I would be looking very enticing, and appearing so happy that I would not his presence in the room. The night would go on, with him looking at me, and me not notice him watching me. And as the evening ends,whatever guy I was with, would walk me to my car, and ask if he could call me later...and as I exchange numbers with the guy Mr.Man comes out of the darkness to interrupt our conversation. He says something smartass to intimidate the guy, the guy leaves without giving me his number...and Mr.Man compliments me on how "happy" and more attractive I looked. I say nothing, I look him up and down, just feeling out the bullshit he was saying. He winds up sweet talking my panties off...well,he winds up getting back in my pussy because I don't wear panties anymore. We actually have sex, right there in the poly meet up venue parking lot...while others watched! He enjoyed that more than the pussy, I believe, because remember he is such a fucking show off. It was that little scenario what played in my mind over and over. That prevented me from attending an outing among our friends.
Yes,right now I feel like I am playing myself by not being a true poly woman. I know I could easily get the sex, love, and intimacy I desire,but how many motherfuckers would I have to fuck with,in order to achieve that,I keep thinking. And would I ever get it in one area like I did with Mr.Man,I can't help but wonder(Mr.Man had the "magic stick"-a true Daddy Good Dick...such a fucker).
I don't know if I have patience to do the whole "weed and feed" process with guy's these day's. You feed those who you want to entertain/be with and you weed out those who you don't want...yes,a process indeed.
Sarge, is not a bad guy, like I've always said. He's very intelligent (I think he was a nerd coming up). He has more college degrees than I can name. He just recently received an honorary civil servant award from the Mayor's office. He makes six figures a year, and he's well respected in the community. Next month, the children's hospital is naming a wing after him,for the time he's spent playing Santa or the Easter bunny. He's been donating his time, and some money to the children's hospital for over a decade. I remember us falling asleep once wrapping books, coloring books, and crayons for the kids at the hospital. Those kids mean a lot to him.
Sarge,means a lot to me....he has a very good heart. Plus,he has a pretty thick dick, and I must mention a fierce sexy tongue. Whatever he does with his cock, he can duplicate with his oral sex skills. I adore sucking him and I would lick him in any place of his body, without 2nd guessing. He treats me with the utmost respect, he has never cursed at me, or put his hands on me...and I know there was times, I could have pushed him to that point...with my wicked mouth. Something about Sarge, that warrants my love, it keeps me near him, and elicits patience. We have that "executive" love because he is such a corporate type...a disciplined dude, seasoned...mature....stubborn in his own way, yet he can handle my bratty, demanding and super seductive side. His freak level is equal to mine, its just he needs confidence coaching at times, and I know as you age performance anxiety has a lot to do with why things occur sexually. I hope he figures that out on his own,since he won't listen to me anymore. Most sensational women wouldn't be bothered with what I undergo at times,that's because they don't mind the whole "weed and feed" process. I've not matured to that level, just yet.
The only thing I can do, is work on my life, and grow as a woman. And if extending my love to him is in the plan for the day, then so be it. I have to remember the man he was when we first met, and how he use to be with me....and the energy that still resides between us...allow that to satisfy me. And who knows,maybe the feeling that I'm thinking of may just come to life again in him too...and the sex and intimacy will be restored to what it once was.
I must run now,I'm curling my hair,getting ready for Sarge and I evening out. He's taking me for a ride in his brand new car. I bought this new dress,I hope that he likes. I'm not wearing anything but a bra underneath, I have to allow my ass cheeks and pussy juices bless his new leather seats. My nipples are hard as Michelin rubber, thinking of his thick dick coming (while he's steady fucking me) as it slips out of my juicy pussy. Yes,he does precum(&) or preejaculate,something he thinks I do not like, but I do LOVE it! I love to see his hard cock pour hot cum,then to watch him put it back in...his face red...and my body humming from the mutual chemistry. Oh my,I'm feeling the need to rub my clit before he arrives,oh my.
Until next time,
~Dream~
