Stranger in my Bed
As I glanced over to him, I began to watch him slowly drift off into sleep. This handsome man, I thought to myself...whom I came to love and adore...sexually potent showing mad aggressiveness in bed. I often wonder now...is pain & pleasure all that he feels. That would explain the compulsive and fetish behaviors he has exhibited. He united with me--that someone made me...That some "thing" made me whole--finally feeling complete. Is this scene really how it should be..being with him and sharing my life with him. We both found out what makes each other tick..what he likes and I like...all that good "ish". Yet today, I'm laying next to him and saying to myself-"is this really it?". I still crave for sooo much more...I want to DO. Not talk about doing. Currently, he's playing the role of an intellect giving me a mental&physical fuck..he is powerful..he can make me orgasm without a single touch from his hands...although I know he carries a weapon in his pants...he knows that I'm a literal junkie--that's why we speak in parables often communication is done thru poetry. He has studied all of my degrees..made me into an object..never a subject. (Although, he is aware I received a B in psychology..he isn't aware that I will use it..like a witch-holding her spellbook in hand waiting to use her magic...doing so will help me to understand the man that I am dealing with.) He has become comfortable--never striving to put forth and give me more...emotionally resistent...uninvolved...dysfunctional..unwilling to envolve, severely detached..he won't dissolve his old theories of how a man-woman relationship is truly supposed to be..not only do I need him to pay a bill for me...I need him to be emotionally present with me...Be attentive to my feelings..never drawing blank..when I'm being overactive..he's always blowing off my need for protection&security..I am constantly saying--I need you to look out for me and my safety.
I 'm crying from the inside and the out. Yes, I understand you are here with only me,but emotionally absent from your body..you make excuses to support your lack of feeling..consumed in your work..focusing on your goals..THINGS you are dealing with the most. You don't really see that you are emotionally starving me. I need more than a great sexual encounter. I need more than a good listener & conversationalist. You're emotionally impotent and life imcompetent. I am supposed to be indulging in lover's delight because you are here with me..sharing your world with me;however, people such as him, can look good on the outside & their insides are so jumbled up...working so hard to cover deep buried feelings...he has this mastered so well. He's an expert of masquerading in different people lives & only time will tell that he's really fucked up...hurt by things of his past..unable to separate me, the woman who truly loves him, from all of the other women who disappointed him in his life. The mother who didn't raise him. The mother of his child..who didn't take a chance at being a family.
My man, who appeared to be my Prince Charming..so darling, so sweet, so structured, so deep, so compulsively neat. He, who even awakes looking so damned fine & sexy to me.
Time has past, this one man plane has to burn and crash. I am certain his life has had many challenges...especially by performing repeats with the different women he meets with his outdated act, his egocentric performances..where he is the numero uno who stands on this stage (yeah this act is getting really old--in ghetto terms..yeah its "played") always omitting feeling because that would elicit emotions. Everything he says is always to support his self-centered idealism (aka-his realm).
Time has past, and he did become my lover by default. In the beginning, I was slightly aware of his disaffection & I thought it would pass..like a cold..or a cut..you know, put a bandage on it--aka cover it up. I thought I would give him a chance at loving me and maybe my love would change him and our love would outlast. He did just the opposite, not carrying the torch held so highly by previous loves of my life..his presence-his "love" came to me by osmosis. My assertiveness and my lack of courtship..is what lured him to me. Since I am always busy doing so many other things. I didn't need anyone hovering..smothering over me. I did long for a lover who respects my independence and gave me my privacy. He is all that I ever wanted in a man and I thought all that I needed in a man...even thought he was more man than a woman like me needs.
BUT-even with my avoidance and procrastination..inevitably brought this day forth....the day I would finally be able to see..there was nothing wrong with me! I wasn't wrong for wanting all that I ever dreamed.
There was once when I cried out to him..he didn't even blink..no reaction..not even offering me a hug or a tissue..he quickly dismissed the issue..as if he wanted to jet for the door..the words he chose were neither consoling & of course, had no meaning.
He's always consumed with his goals and his work never thinking of others. He loves no one except himself and the child he helped give life to..daily he wishes and prays that his child doesn't come out the same way. (Fears he's shared that his whorisms will lead to a generational curse.)
All things considered, looking at him now in his sleep, he appears to be soo evolved and structured. It was at that moment, I'd truly understand my detached..very reserved man. See-he will never get it..he will-never have it..what all it takes,to truly love a woman like me.
All Rights Reserved
©2012 Thick Dream Productions/Ms.Atlanta Thick~Dream~
