Dear Diary-look what I found when I cleaned out my closet, a letter to Mr.
Dear Duke:
I'm taking the time to write down my thoughts about you and I. This may seem silly to you or a repeat of what we've spoken about. I believe writing can be therapy at times when you can't get your points across.
When I met you, you sold me with your charm, tone, and conversation. Then it wasn't about who business and who day was the most stressful. Then-it seemed genuine...why? Because we/you were attentive to each other.
I thought we had a genuine interest in each other. Seemed so innocent and harmless. Sharing out past experiences was something we did and nothing was wrong with it. Now its like I can't talk to you about the simplest things-not without you going off on me or taking one point out of the whole conversation and riding on it. So...so...so not fair.
You know that our relationship isn't built off sex. Yet we both expressed in the beginning the importance of "good sex" we toasted to it. Despite the issues you have sexually, I came to you and said,"as long as the quality is good,I won't complain,verse the the quantity of sex".
You think that I'm "unhappy' because of the sex? Why would you think that, are you guilty because you are aware of what it takes to keep me "happy"? Are you guilty because you haven't been doing it? Sex isn't what makes me happy-having a mate who loves and cares about me equally, that's what makes me happy. Having a man who spends time with me-that makes me happy. Having a man who is happy and healthy-that makes me happy. Being alive makes me happy. Being able to pay bills-that makes me happy.
I've accepted a lot of things about this relationship, but I will not accept that you are just not that into me, that's what I don't want to believe. It seems simple and it would answer all my unknowns about us. I refuse to go for that answer. I believe you're that guy you said you were. The loving, catering, gentleman-the lover, not a fighter kind of guy.
Money seems like an issue with us, I just hope it doesn't destroy what we can have. My needs sexually are strong and not NEVER hidden. I believe yours are also, but you find satisfaction in other areas such as sex text and pic/dick mail sharing to others. I may "get off" to other things than you;however, nothing and no one is suppose to be pleasing me, but YOU! A sex toy or my hands shouldn't be relied upon to give me pleasure-that's your job as my man. Just like how I'm willing or have been willing to please you sexually by any means. Your desire to get me off should be the exact same-that's if you care. I suck you off to get it up and stay up. I've learned that about you. How have you learned to turn me on? How many different ways have you tried to make me cum? How many times have you placed your face between my thighs and went exploring?
Anyway, I hope things turn around quickly so you and I can actually date/court each other. I enjoy going out with my man, not going out separately.
Also, I don't want to grow cold-we are too new for all that. We should be spending blissful evenings with each other and passionate days in each others thoughts throughout.
Real talk, I'm hoping there is space in your heart for me. Maybe its just me, but I feel like you don't like me like you portray. Sometimes even when we have sex-I feel that way too. I have to tell you to kiss me during sex? I want to be touched, rubbed, kissed the same I do you. I want all that energy and passion given back to me. Being tired is one thing and not interested in someone is another.
Ask yourself-if you had a better job, more money, own place, personal training school done, and well rested-would you be involved with me?
Here is a list of things I don't want to see happen with us:
Cheating
Lying
Animosity
Jealousy
Resentment
Silence
Distance
Poor communication
Deprivation
Separation-A break up
Things I'd like to see us do:
Accomplish
Acquire
Achieve
Succeed
Pray
Love
Support/Praise
Travel
Be in tune with each other, knowing when the other is lacking or needing or depleting, be on a higher level with each other beyond sex, and material possessions. Be able to finish each others thoughts.
Become 1
Well, now after reading this letter signs were present early on. My intuition was working overtime. The teary moments on a cold bathroom floor came back fresh to me. I was confused a lot at times. One day he would be playful,affectionate, then cold and harsh the next. We did manage to accomplish some of the things on my list, those are the things that I underlined...good and bad. For the life of me, I still cannot understand how we were able to finish each others thoughts and sentences. Perhaps, we are both slightly clairvoyant?
**Disclaimer, this blog is for entertainment purposes only (combination of fact & fiction). Names, places, and some events have been altered for the privacy of the author and her counterparts. **
