You don't understand me
You really don't know me
You say that you love me
Do you really know what love means
Are you reading between the lines
You have not done anything to prepare for me
To be apart of your structured life
You say life is about sacrifices
I say life is about choices
Having freedom to experience
opportunities that have been presented
You seem to show some resentment
Why are you so hesitant
The questions that I asked
Are you taking me seriously
You say that you want to be with
only me
And you want certain things from me
But what have you given me
A few night's of passion
Which has caused this distraction
what I've named "a semi life crisis"
because you want me as your girl
just change my whole world
For what?
What are you offering me
that I can't provide myself
Dick-I can get like an item
off a grocery market shelf
I know what I bring to this
virtual table
A feast of me
and all of my bounty
At times I think you don't know
what you want or need
If its me
Why all of the drama and negativity
Don't you know
You are pushing me away
I've got things to accomplish
goals to be reached
and a whole lot of bullshit
Is not something I want to deal with
I know who I am
I know what I want
I know what I need
Having a good man in my life
is not a necessity
nor a priority
A man does not complete me
Having a good man in my life
compliments me
Yeah, its nice to have a warm body
at night laying next to me
However, the only way to see if I'm
the one you need
Is to see me from all
360 degrees
Get out of your comfort zone
think outside of the box
Then you will finally
to be able see
if its me
you truly want.
(And why am I saying this...right here & right now...because I am more than a virtual fantasy that became your reality. You brought life to me...leaving your computer screen to giving you head in the front seat.)
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Dear Diary-New Year Thoughts
Dear Diary:
I am glad that I made it through another year. I welcomed 2012 with open arms. Just ready to start various projects,make new connections, and make new money.
A lot of folk did their resolution thing,some reflected and made goals based on what they did or did not do in 2011. I am not the resolution kind of chick. I merely looked at the year as a whole and begun listing things I wanted to accomplish the upcoming year. Hence, why I said I was on my 2012 before the New Year rung in.
I had some major life lessons in 2011, which made me a stronger woman. I can see things from a totally different perspective.
I believe things happen for a reason, certain events cause them to occur and sometimes we may inadvertently force them. I had a former boyfriend tell me that maybe I was in the wrong field or "profession" because he felt I was not successful as I could be,in his eyes. He was so wrong, things happen to all of us. That is all a part of life. This life was not meant to be perfect and without trials, what a boring life I think it would be.
The only mistake I made was having that kind of conversation with his ass, a man who cannot stay still to be a father to his children,forget being involved in a relationship with a woman...that is too much to ask. People like that cannot commit to anything because they think they know it all.
I know that I did not complete some projects that I started in 2011. The primary reason was that I went through a transition of being without that live-in assistance. That took some adjustment.
I do not believe in curses that keep you stagnant, I do believe in the choices you make with your own free will having an effect on your life when they are not clearly thought through. Every choice or plan should have a good execution.
Also, I believe that good comes to those who do good. A "blessing" can come in many different forms, not necessarily in the form of money or a new job promotion. A blessing can come big or simple, and just because good is done all year around does not mean a major blessing will come immediately the following year. We may not be ready to receive the blessing that is in store for us. And sometimes adults get blessings and do not recognize them as one. Also,we are like a child getting a toy, after time what do they do with it? Throw it aside,along with the other junk they own.
I appreciate all the things that I have,and the things I want to have will come, some naturally and others will come without me forcing it. Either way, I am grateful for all I have. From the children I gave life to the people I met, I am happy to have those experiences.
The thought use to cross my mind, what if I changed who I am-conform so that I can be "accepted" by my family and future lovers. That thought was quickly diminished, I cannot live my life to please others. Been there done that. I love who I am and I have passion in what I do. My creative, artistic, bubbly personality keeps me young. I could not see myself being no other way. Yes, I could have been that uptight lawyer or that honorable Nurse,but would I have been truly happy? I highly doubt it. The traits we have are innate, if we took a picture or video from childhood and view it now I bet it will reflect who we are now as adults. When I was a child, I was always singing, laughing,acting-performing and writing something creative. Ha,Ha,Ha,to those who think they can change who they were destined to be, and big laughs to those who think they can change their unspoken naughty traits (the perv,the freak,the pretender,the cheater). I've learned to accept who I truly am, and adapt as my environment changes.
Being healthy, productive, and positive are my key elements to getting the best out of a new year....out of life in general.
Success has to be an ingredient throughout the year, not just in January. We all want what we want, crave what we desire. I say, seek happiness from within and be happy no matter what cards were dealt to you.
Kisses to you,
~Dream~
1-5-2012
I am glad that I made it through another year. I welcomed 2012 with open arms. Just ready to start various projects,make new connections, and make new money.
A lot of folk did their resolution thing,some reflected and made goals based on what they did or did not do in 2011. I am not the resolution kind of chick. I merely looked at the year as a whole and begun listing things I wanted to accomplish the upcoming year. Hence, why I said I was on my 2012 before the New Year rung in.
I had some major life lessons in 2011, which made me a stronger woman. I can see things from a totally different perspective.
I believe things happen for a reason, certain events cause them to occur and sometimes we may inadvertently force them. I had a former boyfriend tell me that maybe I was in the wrong field or "profession" because he felt I was not successful as I could be,in his eyes. He was so wrong, things happen to all of us. That is all a part of life. This life was not meant to be perfect and without trials, what a boring life I think it would be.
The only mistake I made was having that kind of conversation with his ass, a man who cannot stay still to be a father to his children,forget being involved in a relationship with a woman...that is too much to ask. People like that cannot commit to anything because they think they know it all.
I know that I did not complete some projects that I started in 2011. The primary reason was that I went through a transition of being without that live-in assistance. That took some adjustment.
I do not believe in curses that keep you stagnant, I do believe in the choices you make with your own free will having an effect on your life when they are not clearly thought through. Every choice or plan should have a good execution.
Also, I believe that good comes to those who do good. A "blessing" can come in many different forms, not necessarily in the form of money or a new job promotion. A blessing can come big or simple, and just because good is done all year around does not mean a major blessing will come immediately the following year. We may not be ready to receive the blessing that is in store for us. And sometimes adults get blessings and do not recognize them as one. Also,we are like a child getting a toy, after time what do they do with it? Throw it aside,along with the other junk they own.
I appreciate all the things that I have,and the things I want to have will come, some naturally and others will come without me forcing it. Either way, I am grateful for all I have. From the children I gave life to the people I met, I am happy to have those experiences.
The thought use to cross my mind, what if I changed who I am-conform so that I can be "accepted" by my family and future lovers. That thought was quickly diminished, I cannot live my life to please others. Been there done that. I love who I am and I have passion in what I do. My creative, artistic, bubbly personality keeps me young. I could not see myself being no other way. Yes, I could have been that uptight lawyer or that honorable Nurse,but would I have been truly happy? I highly doubt it. The traits we have are innate, if we took a picture or video from childhood and view it now I bet it will reflect who we are now as adults. When I was a child, I was always singing, laughing,acting-performing and writing something creative. Ha,Ha,Ha,to those who think they can change who they were destined to be, and big laughs to those who think they can change their unspoken naughty traits (the perv,the freak,the pretender,the cheater). I've learned to accept who I truly am, and adapt as my environment changes.
Being healthy, productive, and positive are my key elements to getting the best out of a new year....out of life in general.
Success has to be an ingredient throughout the year, not just in January. We all want what we want, crave what we desire. I say, seek happiness from within and be happy no matter what cards were dealt to you.
Kisses to you,
~Dream~
1-5-2012
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Dear Diary Oct23,Doin Whats Best4Dream
Dear Diary:
This month has been unbelievably long,without my laptop working...I feel so freaking lost not being able to fully do my online Web Diva&Thick Dream Productions business like I need to.
I have had some downtime to reflect on my life and my business. I have decided to go back to the basics,what got me here. I am done with the castings,not going to accept Co Stars other than my man,bf,boo,sweetie,spouse,aka my partner. Not saying that I will not collaborate with fellow adult entertainment industry folks. I am use to doing my scenes with my man/partner who is not in the business,he helps me because he wants to.
I know that my associates are looking at me sideways because of some things that I stated on twitter.com/atl_thickdream this week. I cannot apologize for what I said because I can only do what works for me. I meant what I said when I stated that I am doing what everyone else is doing simply because its whats"in". I did not get into the adult entertainment industry nor did I become an entertainer for the awards,cliches, and groupies. I do my entertaining because its my passion, I love to entertain. I love to produce erotica, and I love creating erotic compositions.
The downside of the industry is its one sided, the women in the business do not usually have a happy ended. Those who decide to fallback and focus on their career or are unable to go in it as deep, are not always respected by their peers. Hence,why my circle of associates is small. I am thankful to have their input on some issues that have came across my desk this year. I appreciate my industry folk and my friends who are in the "Lifestyle", without them I think I would have went batty trying to figure some shit out.
I now know that I need someone in my life and on my team who is truly supportive of my decisions. From my choice to entertain or my choice to complete my degree. He must support the lifestyle that comes with it. That is very important.
I also found out that being poly-amorous does not work for me. Although I have been honest with all parties involved, it is not going to work at all for me. Guy does not like sharing me with my Co Stars,so I know he does not enjoy sharing me with anyone else. Me being too honest about what I do,is not enough for them. Lord knows what they do on their time away from me, do I care? Yes and no, but I cannot get caught up in all that. My belief, if it does not affect me directly, its not my concern. I keep my partners safe when I play,especially when I produce a scene....that is all that should matter,period.
This is not a shocker,but I want a REAL relationship. I miss having that man of my own. After being married over a decade, yes one can get use to that....he did spoil me to a certain extent, hell, I miss that.
I do not plan on conforming for my next partner. I am too old for that shit, I will adjust my business and life to allow him into it. Most women will not do that, my girlfriends say"girl,you do too much". The thing is, they are not in the entertainment business. And their previous sex life is not plastered on the world wide web. So, unfortunately I have to do things slightly differently when dating and dealing with my guy. Sometimes I tolerate certain situations than they would allow, then in other situations I walk away from not giving it a second thought because I am not stressed about it..."another will soon come to replace them"...my thoughts.
The only difference this time around is, I am not going to accept anyone without his own...meaning his own car,place,goals,and a job. Those few things are not too much to ask,I think they are important requirements since I have them all and I raise a family with minimal support. A man with his own, is a all true man. I want him to have his own hobbies,friends, and life outside of me and mine. I will support whatever his goals are, and I certainly will appreciate the help he gives me in my business. He does not have to be in a scene with me, that is his choice. It will be a mutual decision whether I do scenes with other people or not. I am willing to do softcore or erotica featuring myself and/or other women associates. Eventually, I will be paying models to do the scenes I won't or cannot do. He must understand that is a process though.
I am listening to "Hood Love" by Mary J Blige, my eyes are watery thinking about the real moments I have survived,yet it never stopped me from loving again. I know right, I can't figure it out. After being lied to, cursed out, cheated on, threatened...I still have it in me to open my shell to that emotion-LOVE. I do not fall as deep as I use to, I am learning to back off easier when I see that person isn't deserving of me.
I'd be a liar and a half if I said I am cool with my status, I am not at all. I do not know why I am being silly...could be the change in temperature, since I am use to having that bed buddy. Or it could be that the holidays are approaching...we usually do it big during the holidays or we struggle together-and do nothing at all...whatever the situation was, I was there loving and doing what was required of me....dammit, I miss that.
Yes, I could have any kind of man I want, but it would only be temporary if he cannot fulfill all of my needs-sexually,mentally, and able to give me the time I ask....I would have to piece him together with another...i.e-the poly-amorous situation. If the sex is good,but our conversation sucks....not good. Or our conversation is great,but the sex is awful...not good either. It has to be equal in every aspect to keep me diehard for him. And no, he can't just sex me....talk to me and not spend quality time with me,really not good. He would have to make time for me...or forget about me.
www.twitter.com/atl_thickdream
This month has been unbelievably long,without my laptop working...I feel so freaking lost not being able to fully do my online Web Diva&Thick Dream Productions business like I need to.
I have had some downtime to reflect on my life and my business. I have decided to go back to the basics,what got me here. I am done with the castings,not going to accept Co Stars other than my man,bf,boo,sweetie,spouse,aka my partner. Not saying that I will not collaborate with fellow adult entertainment industry folks. I am use to doing my scenes with my man/partner who is not in the business,he helps me because he wants to.
I know that my associates are looking at me sideways because of some things that I stated on twitter.com/atl_thickdream this week. I cannot apologize for what I said because I can only do what works for me. I meant what I said when I stated that I am doing what everyone else is doing simply because its whats"in". I did not get into the adult entertainment industry nor did I become an entertainer for the awards,cliches, and groupies. I do my entertaining because its my passion, I love to entertain. I love to produce erotica, and I love creating erotic compositions.
The downside of the industry is its one sided, the women in the business do not usually have a happy ended. Those who decide to fallback and focus on their career or are unable to go in it as deep, are not always respected by their peers. Hence,why my circle of associates is small. I am thankful to have their input on some issues that have came across my desk this year. I appreciate my industry folk and my friends who are in the "Lifestyle", without them I think I would have went batty trying to figure some shit out.
I now know that I need someone in my life and on my team who is truly supportive of my decisions. From my choice to entertain or my choice to complete my degree. He must support the lifestyle that comes with it. That is very important.
I also found out that being poly-amorous does not work for me. Although I have been honest with all parties involved, it is not going to work at all for me. Guy does not like sharing me with my Co Stars,so I know he does not enjoy sharing me with anyone else. Me being too honest about what I do,is not enough for them. Lord knows what they do on their time away from me, do I care? Yes and no, but I cannot get caught up in all that. My belief, if it does not affect me directly, its not my concern. I keep my partners safe when I play,especially when I produce a scene....that is all that should matter,period.
This is not a shocker,but I want a REAL relationship. I miss having that man of my own. After being married over a decade, yes one can get use to that....he did spoil me to a certain extent, hell, I miss that.
I do not plan on conforming for my next partner. I am too old for that shit, I will adjust my business and life to allow him into it. Most women will not do that, my girlfriends say"girl,you do too much". The thing is, they are not in the entertainment business. And their previous sex life is not plastered on the world wide web. So, unfortunately I have to do things slightly differently when dating and dealing with my guy. Sometimes I tolerate certain situations than they would allow, then in other situations I walk away from not giving it a second thought because I am not stressed about it..."another will soon come to replace them"...my thoughts.
The only difference this time around is, I am not going to accept anyone without his own...meaning his own car,place,goals,and a job. Those few things are not too much to ask,I think they are important requirements since I have them all and I raise a family with minimal support. A man with his own, is a all true man. I want him to have his own hobbies,friends, and life outside of me and mine. I will support whatever his goals are, and I certainly will appreciate the help he gives me in my business. He does not have to be in a scene with me, that is his choice. It will be a mutual decision whether I do scenes with other people or not. I am willing to do softcore or erotica featuring myself and/or other women associates. Eventually, I will be paying models to do the scenes I won't or cannot do. He must understand that is a process though.
I am listening to "Hood Love" by Mary J Blige, my eyes are watery thinking about the real moments I have survived,yet it never stopped me from loving again. I know right, I can't figure it out. After being lied to, cursed out, cheated on, threatened...I still have it in me to open my shell to that emotion-LOVE. I do not fall as deep as I use to, I am learning to back off easier when I see that person isn't deserving of me.
I'd be a liar and a half if I said I am cool with my status, I am not at all. I do not know why I am being silly...could be the change in temperature, since I am use to having that bed buddy. Or it could be that the holidays are approaching...we usually do it big during the holidays or we struggle together-and do nothing at all...whatever the situation was, I was there loving and doing what was required of me....dammit, I miss that.
Yes, I could have any kind of man I want, but it would only be temporary if he cannot fulfill all of my needs-sexually,mentally, and able to give me the time I ask....I would have to piece him together with another...i.e-the poly-amorous situation. If the sex is good,but our conversation sucks....not good. Or our conversation is great,but the sex is awful...not good either. It has to be equal in every aspect to keep me diehard for him. And no, he can't just sex me....talk to me and not spend quality time with me,really not good. He would have to make time for me...or forget about me.
www.twitter.com/atl_thickdream
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